


Like... You know, Nyah

by Cirrocumulusfloccus



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Barebacking, Biting, Cat Ears, Catboys & Catgirls, Come Eating, M/M, Mischief, Misunderstandings, Pseudo-Incest, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Threesome - M/M/M, but not really, catboy dave strider, catboy dirk strider, consentual, no beta we die like men, not enough communication before sex but its all consentual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:47:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26396656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirrocumulusfloccus/pseuds/Cirrocumulusfloccus
Summary: John accidentally gets cat married to some stray catboys who follow him home one day.John makes honest cat-men out of them for their not wedding night.John has no idea whats going on, Dave and Dirk don`t seem to either.there is really no excuse for this. I am sorry.
Relationships: John Egbert/Dave Strider, John Egbert/Dave Strider/Dirk Strider, John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Comments: 3
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Shamelessly self indulgent PWP  
> Smut is the entirety of next chapter  
> This is me procrastinating writing the hard bits of heir of temptation.  
> I am still working on it promise! word count up to 10k and counting.  
> anyway  
> some ridiculous catboy shenanigans

You are on your way home from teaching a piano lesson when you meet them. Two beautiful, flame point Siamese cats. One, laying loaf style, has the palest fur with the softest dusty orange coloring and bright red eyes. The other is sitting rigidly upright, like you might expect from a show cat, has a more ginger point face and piercing orange eyes. You are instantly a little bit in love with them. You crouch down a few feet away and offer your hand out. 

“Hey buddies! Aren’t you both the most beautiful little guys I’ve ever seen.” 

The red eyes cat loaf gives you a sniff and comes over to rub against your leg. Cats have in general always liked you. You start petting the cat and offer your other hand to the orange eyed one. He regards you seriously with a sniff, let’s you pat his head but makes no effort to move closer. You huff a small chuckle. You scratch the orange one's ears and he tilts his head a fraction. “Well you are such a proper little gentleman.” Red cat must have been feeling a little jealous and rubs against your leg again, flicking the puff of his tail if your face. “I have two hands no worries.” You say back. Petting their fur, you feel for a collar or tags but don’t find any. 

“Where do you boys live?” you ask to them, giving both pets. Red cat purrs at you. Orange cat is silent. “Whoever your family is, are very lucky.” You say giving them a last pat and standing back up. You had an 8am lecture this morning, then went straight to your piano teaching side job. Your feeling really tired. You know it’s a bad idea to schedule early lectures but your always too stupidly optimistic at the beginning of the semester. At least you have the whole weekend to relax. Red cat rubs against your leg again and it's really hard to make yourself start back home again. You love animals and would have a small farm if you didn’t live in a tiny basement suit while you are in university. 

“Bye little buddies.” you say reluctantly walking down the road. You glance back at them and smile, they are following you home. So cute! 

“Isn’t your family going to miss you?” 

Red Eyes catches up to you first and rubs against your leg, while orange cat sits and stares off into the distance, as if he wasn’t just following you down the road. 

Well you have to get home and if the cats follow you, you’re not going to stop them. You’ll just see how far they tag along for. 

\- 

Well, they followed you all the way home, and are lounging on the stairway steps to your basement suite home. You linger in the doorway for a while keys dangling from the lock. Should you let them in? The autumn air is getting pretty crisp at night. But they should also be going home soon too. Still not having made up your mind, you turn the lock and open the front door. Before you can even step in, two blurs of fluff streaks past you and now there are two cats making their selves at home on your living room co couch. I guess that decision is taken care of. You rummage through your cupboard, give them some tuna until you can go to the store tomorrow for some proper food. Maybe also post a flyer that you found some cats. 

You place 2 plates of tuna on the floor and watch them expectantly. Red eyes gives the plate a disinterested sniff, and the look Orange Cat gives you is so casually full of disdain, if he had eyebrows, he would be giving you a raised brow right now. You deflate a bit. “That is all I have for you right now. So, if you’re hungry you will have to suck it up.” You huff at them. It is just your luck you would get a pair of fussy cats. 

You should maybe give them some temporary names, so you don’t have to keep referring to them as Red and Orange. 

“What do I call you guys?” you ask while giving Red a scritch under the chin. He purrs at you in reply. “With your colouring you could be Rusty.” 

Red eyes looks at you and immediately stops purring. 

“Okay, okay understood.” You chuckle raising your hands in surrender. “we can think on it.” 

You spend the rest of the night watching Netflix on your laptop. For cats they are really judgy of your taste in movies. Orange cat had sat on your keyboard when you had tried to put Sahara on. You can’t fault a cat for not appreciating the action comedy genius of Mathew McConaughey. Instead you laughed ruffled Orange cat on the head decided you could call it a night. He looked particularly unappreciative of being missed but still followed you to your room. Red Eyes curls up next to your pillow and lets you curl your arm around him. Orange cat sits on your dresser and waits till your all settled then hops onto the bed and lays on your back. Being snuggles by two beautiful cats you fall asleep your heart feeling warm. 

\- 

You wake up way too early for the weekend due to sweltering heat. It is getting close to the tail end of autumn and really shouldn’t be this warm. Despite the heat you are extremely comfy. It has been ages sense you have been snuggled like this. Without opening your eyes in a vain attempt to go back to sleep, you try to think if you accidentally turned the heater on last night. Your brain makes the morning equivalent of dialup noises as it wakes up. 

Snuggled? 

You bolt upright in a start, dislodging the arm wrapped around your chest. What the fuck? You did not have anyone over last night. 

“What the fuck?” 

Two groans on either side of you voice their displeasure. You stumble out of the bed and back against the wall inching your way to the door. Your bed intruders appear to be two startlingly attractive, naked men. Both blonde with pale skin littered with freckles. They are extremely fit and wearing cat ears? 

Your face flushes bright red and are internally thanking every deity you can think of, that you sleep in pajama bottoms. 

“It’s too early” one grumbles, sniffling a yawn. The other is watching you with a bored expression. One of his ears twitches, how did it do that? 

“Who are you, and how did you get in my house?” you ask. 

“I am Dirk, you let us in last night.” He has startlingly orange eyes. Not cat yellow, orange. 

“M' Dave but you can call me Rusty" The other says with a saucy red eyes wink that is immediately interrupted by another yawn. 

“I did no such thi… Rusty?” 

\- 

So, you are sitting on your couch and are now playing host to two cat boys. Cat boys who were perfectly cute regular cats last night. Two cat boys who apparently have functioning cat ears and tails. You are sounding hysterical even in your own head. The Red eyed. No, Dave pushes a cup of something hot into your hands. 

You stare at the cup without really seeing it. Smells like tea. They are still naked. You offered them some boxers but that was too much to ask. They looked at you like you lost your mind. They are cats but you have lost your mind. 

“You were such a cute fluffy cat.” you say looking up at Dave, trying and failing horribly not to stare at his ears. 

“I’m still cute.” Dave pouts. Dirk smacks him with his tail. 

“What exactly are you?” You ask. Some answers would be nice, anything that makes the world not quite as surreal as you feel. 

“Cats.” Is Dirks helpful reply. 

“But what kind of cat, are you magic? Does magic exist?” Shrugs. 

“Are you twins?” you are really grasping qt straws for any info now. 

“Kindof.” Dave says, at the same time Dirk replies “Not really.” 

“Are you fucking kidding me? You don’t even know if your related?!” 

“It's complicated.” Dirk says. Dave Shrugs. They seem to be doing that a lot. 

“Should I even bother asking why you decided to haunt me?” 

Dave laughs. “we’re not ghosts shit head. We live with you now. You’re stuck with us, like in holy matrimony till death do we part. You may now kiss the bride. Mazel tov.” 

“We’re married? You followed me home, I gave you tuna, which you didn’t even eat!! In what world does that make us married?!” 

“The cat world, which means this is our honeymoon.” You were holding out hope Dirk was the sane one but you guess not. 

“You gonna do right by us on our honeymoon won't you John?” Dave bats his blood red eyes at you. 

“He means let’s fuck.” Dirk supplies helpfully. 

This is preposterous, you must have hit your head or something. 

You want to tell them they are insane but instead “Yeah OK.” Comes out of your mouth. You walk to your bedroom chucking your pajamas over your shoulder as you go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they get it on.

Dave somehow beats you back to your room, cat agility you guess. once you enter your room Dave pounces and you are knocked backwards into dirks chest. You stutter out a partial apology but your mouth is suddenly quite busy with a heated kiss. Dave is pretty impatient, he deepens the kiss right away, his tongue brushing your lips. Dirk behind you has wrapped his arm to rest low on your hip. Dirk kisses down the column of your neck and places a bite where your neck and shoulder meet. A moan rumbles from the back of your throat and you melt against Dirks front, sandwiched between the two. You rest one arm on Dave's shoulder kissing back until you’re a bit breathless. 

“Bed.” You manage to get out through the storm of kisses on both sides. Dave backs away but you trip over his tail and stumble forwards onto the bed. You have a sneaking suspicion that he did it on purpose. Dave smirks at you, as you bounce on your back. Dirk in a flash is on top of you a knee spreading your legs, as he replaces Dave in kissing you breathless. 

There is a clattering by your night stand, but before you can look Dirk has grabbed a handful of your ass and squeezes. You make a small sound of surprise and dirk starts kissing down your neck again, giving nip and a long lick at the red mark from his bite earlier. There is definitely going to be a bruise there later. He trails bites and kisses down to your chest and at a particularly hard bite to your nipple you gasp, arching up. 

Your dick is pretty on board with having a threesome with some cat boys, but starting to feel left out of the fun. You rut against Dirks leg holding your hips down, and a whine escapes your mouth, as Dirk gets up and moves back. 

Dave appears a second later, swings a leg over you to straddle your chest. Your face is greeted with his erection bobbing in front of you. 

“Really?” you ask raising an eyebrow up at Dave. Looking way too smug his dick twitches and bops against you. You open your mouth to object, when your cock is suddenly engulfed in a wet heat. With a loud moan you strain to arch up but Dave keeps you pinned to the bed. Dirk taking your dick right to the base in one go, you feel him swallow around you and Jesus Christ that feels amazing. He sets a languid pace rubbing his tongue along the veins before taking you right to the base over again. 

A snap of a lid snaps you out of your pleasure daze. Dave had found your lube in the nightstand. You haven’t been a very active participant yet, you pull your arms out from under Dave and take the lube from him and drizzle some into your hand. You are a gentleman and rub your fingers together to warm the lube and grasp Daves cock and start jerking him off. 

“F-fuck. Fuck yess.” Dave arches into your touch. With your other hand you take your time to actually look at Dave. He is smoking hot. Holy shit you lucked out. You haven’t gotten to actually look at them this morning but Dave is tall lithe figure, toned from arms down to his thighs, which you can feel the muscles flex against your sides. You trace your fingers along his abs. The sounds coming from him are breathy, and add to the warmth building up in your groin. 

Dirk stops and you keen at the loss. “Dave.” 

“Yeah.” Dave replies on a moan. Are magic cat people also psychic? 

Dave grabs the lube again and ads some on his hand. You think he’s going to join you in jerking him off, but instead sits up on his knees, reaches back and works a finger into his entrance. You can’t help the husky “Fuck" that comes out of your mouth. Dave smirks at you, with that stupid sexy face of his. 

You are entranced with the overwhelming hotness of Dave working a second finger in and fucking himself on it. He moans prettily and preens under your attention. He traces the fingers of his free hand down his chest, plays with a nipple, lapping up your attention. 

Your hand falters mid stroke, when, is that…? 

Yeah, that’s a finger in your asshole. 

You whimper from both surprise and discomfort. “Hey, shhh. Its okay.” Dave soothes you, rubbing his hand down your chest. 

Dirk, is gentle and works you open slowly kissing your thighs and taking your dick back in his mouth. It doesn’t hurt exactly, you guess. It is just something you have ever done before. You slowly get used to it, remembering you were supposed to be jerking Dave off, but instead grab his shoulder and pull him down for a hungry kiss. You feel Dave grin against your lips. 

Its just after Dirk works up to two fingers that he hits your prostate, and you see stars. You moan loudly into Dave’s neck. “Holy fuck.” You croak out once you caught your breath. 

“Ahh, Dirk found Mr. Prostate.” Is it a cat thing to be so smug all the time? “Okay cowboy” Dave says, somehow gracefully slipping off your chest. “let’s switch spots.” 

Dirk, giving you one last stretch, extracts his fingers, and makes room. Dave lies on his back, legs parted enticingly. Dirk guides you to settle in between his legs and like some kind of lube ninja, slicks up your straining cock, with a soft punch to your shoulder says “go get ‘em slugger.” This is probably one of the most surreal moments of your life. You take your dick and line up with Dave’s entrance. 

Dave's nails dig into your back as you sink in, he is so fuckin tight, you bottom out slowly. “fuck, Dave.” He arches up into your thrust and keens. The sounds he makes, Jesus… 

You are almost at a steady rhythm when, dirk shuffles behind you and you can feel his knees slot in between yours. You hear a last slicking and you feel his dick nudging at your ass cheeks. You suck in a breath, tensing up. Dirk must feel it and soothes his hand down your thigh. He leans up against you and murmurs against your ear. 

“its okay. Your gonna be so tight for me, just relax. Let me sink into that plush ass of yours.” His voice is deep and rumbles against you. He nips at your ear in-between breaths. He really has a thing for your neck, huh. 

You must have relaxed because you feel him sinking in, it stings and feels a little weird still, but he’s warm. 

It takes a bit but he is completely inside you. You feel his hips flush against you, and this is almost too much. Dave is clenching around your dick, and your so full. He isn’t even moving yet, but your brain is so close to shorting out. You can’t even think, just feel. Dirk withdraws, and you feel the slide. A whimper drags it self out of you, not feeling weird anymore. Holy shit. You didn’t realize you verbalized that but it causes a chain reaction around you, two growls of approval. 

Dirk succeeds in setting a rhythm, which you follow too caught up in the sensations flowing through you. You stroke Dave roughly, twisting your wrist and massaging the head as well as you can through your lusty haze. You are not going to last, oh God. The warm knot of pleasure in your spine radiates out and your back bows. Dave must also be close, he is babbling nonsense , it sounds mostly like breathy cursing. 

“Fuck, John. Fuckfuckfuck.” Dave chants, loosing himself and shoots into your hand. You watch red eyes flutter shut and with a loud moan, you cum in Dave's ass. 

You collapse on top of him, both your chests heaving. Dirk is courteously giving you a breather. His cock still firmly nestled inside you. 

Dave makes a strangled “hrnn" sound and you take that to mean get off. You wrangle yourself off and with a bit of shuffling you are laying on your back, Dirk over top. 

His piercing orange eyes watch you intently, with one smooth motion he reenters you. You cry out, oversensitive, each thrust he unerringly hits your prostate. Your eyes fall closed on their own, against the white hot current of sensation. A firm grasp on your chin demands your attention, eyes fluttering open. You can see he relishes your overestimation, savoring your cries, as he rolls his hips, flexing his diamond cut abs. 

You raise your hand that was covered in Dave’s release and looking Dirk in the eye, slyly lick the sticky come from each of your long piano fingers. Its gross and cold but Dirk Laps it up, his pupils dilate watching you. His hips stutter losing their rhythm, hammering into you. He’s close. he leans down, burying his face into the crook of your neck and keens. Grinds his stuttering hips into you as he comes. 

You crawl out of bed and fetch a cloth to clean everyone up some. Dirks come wet between your thighs. 

Once cleaned up a bit the three of you snuggle up together, you are the meat of a cat boy sandwich. You lay sated in between them, the soft rumble of purrs on each side lulling you to sleep. You could get used to this.


End file.
